After last week all I wanted to do was stay home in bed and cry all day. As a matter of fact, that’s what I’ve been doing.
My Brother-in-law decided to have Thanksgiving dinner at his house this year. My husband wanted to go; I told him I wanted to stay home. He thought being around family would help me. I thought being in my bed would help me more. But with a little coaxing, I decided to go.
My family-in-love was great. They tried their best to include me in the conversation to help me feel better. I tried to stay on track. The food was delicious. I ate what I could.
I am thankful for all their effort and truly felt loved. The most challenging part for me was watching all the interactions between parents and children. It was a clear reminder that there will be no more parent-child reactions for John and me.
We met with our prosecution team today, which includes two highly experienced female attorneys. They first gave their condolences and had so much compassion for us. I really like them.
We then began the meeting which was very emotional. So much information was given, I had to keep asking them to repeat what they said which they did in such a kind and respectful way.
Of course, I can’t share the details of our discussion, but I feel extremely confident they will get justice for John. They kept stressing they are hear for him and that’s what’s most important. They feel case is very strong. The only question is how much time will be served.
I told them we received John’s autopsy and know his injuries. They shook their heads and apologized with compassionate eyes.
The fact that the death penalty is not applicable in this case is acceptable to me because I am not in favor of the death penalty. The act of taking the life of someone who has taken the life of another has never been a right thing for me. Even though my son was killed, I still hold onto my belief. I want Miller the Killer to spend the rest of his life in prison, not only thinking about what he did to my son, but also his entire family. We have no choice but to live without him now.
They concluded the meeting by stating that they need to meet with the Defense to discuss the case together. They will schedule a follow-up meeting with us to provide an update after that has been done.
Since joining Mothers Of Murdered Columbus Children Private Facebook group, I’ve found it to be a wonderful organization that not only wants to prevent murders in our city but also provides support to mothers like me, whose child has been killed.
While some posts can be inspiring, uplifting, and provide community information for workshops, food drives, and fundraisers, others can make you cry. To bring about change, they must include tear-jerker posts when reporting facts about violence happening in our city.
Today’s post stopped me in my tracks as I scrolled through the page and my heart skipped a beat. The post I’m sharing below is on both the private and public MOMCC pages therefore it’s okay to take it outside of the group.
This post made be stop because I realized that my son, John, is included in this total for the month of July.
On July 28, 2024, John became a homicide statistic.
I never really thought about that until I saw the total number of monthly homicides in written format.
That’s something a mother NEVER wants to have to see or say.
Although my blog is about my son’s death, I understand that it’s a very painful experience regardless of who dies. You may have lost your mother, father, husband, wife, sibling or grandparent. In addition to losing my son, I’ve lost both parents, all grandparents, most of my aunts and uncles, and some cousins too so please know I acknowledge your pain just as much as mine.
No matter who it is or how they died, my heart goes out to those who have lost a loved one and are on their own grief journey.
I am certain that loss brings with it both pain and change. Changes in how you feel, changes in how you look, changes in how you think and changes in what you do.
I have experienced many significant losses in life, but the loss of John has had the most profound impact on me. And I don’t mean for the better.
I am changed.
The First 48
One of the major changes in my life since John was murdered has been what I watch on television.
I’ve always loved true crime shows. The First 48 is my favorite, followed by, After The First 48, 20/20, Forensic Files and Dateline. I would never miss an episode and would watch the all-day marathons of The First 48 whenever they aired.
My children would always ask me why I watched such depressing shows about people being murdered. They just didn’t get it.
I would say ‘I’m not watching it because of the murders. While that aspect makes me very sad, I watch it for the investigation process. I love seeing crimes solved and justice served not only for the victim but also for the victim’s family. As a matter of fact, I always wanted to help people just like that and regret that I never followed my heart.”
They both would say, “It’s still too creepy for me.”
And leave the room, which is totally okay, especially for a child.
It goes without saying that that has changed. I haven’t watched The First 48 since July 26th, two days before John was murdered and don’t know if I will ever watch it again. I also haven’t watched any other crime show involving murder, disappearances, or other sensitive subject matter and don’t plan on it because it hurts too much right now.
Watching numerous first-48 episodes has provided me with valuable insight into the investigative process. While I wanted to know so many things when those detectives delivered that tragic news of John’s death, I understood why they could only say so much. I am thankful that Miller the Killer was arrested and incarcerated within hours of killing John. My heart goes out to all families of murdered victims whose offender is still out there running free. That has to be pure agony for them.
I hope that all of them will be captured and imprisoned too.
Pawn Shops
John loved Pawn Shops.
I now avoid driving by the Pawn Shops that John frequented when he lived with us. He would go in them to not only look at everything under the sun but also would pawn whatever he had lying around the house, especially when he was low on cash, until his next paycheck. I called him “THEE Pawn King.”
As a matter of fact, I received a pawn ticket for John in the mail last month. He hasn’t lived here for five years so of course seeing this little card make its way to our house brought tears to my eyes and a little smile on my face.
I figured it was another way of John saying “Hi”
*Be open to receiving messages from the other side*
I don’t have the heart, nor strength, to call the pawn shop and tell them the news that John died so I tucked the card in my “John” folder and will keep it right by my side.
Cars
John was a car fanatic. His love of hot wheels and any other car he could get his hands on as a child turned into a love of ‘big toys’ when he grew into adulthood. At one time, John would change cars like a person changes socks. It seemed like every other month; John would bring home a different car because he liked this one better than that one. As I said before, most of the time John had the attention span of a gnat. He didn’t stick with things for very long. That was my John, marching to the beat of his own drum.
Ronnie keeps a collection of John’s small cars he loved as a child, neatly lined up on the basement windowsill and looks at them every day. But I can’t look at them without breaking down in tears, so I turn and look away.
His solace is my sadness
John and his little cars
Maybe one day I’ll be able to watch my favorite shows again, stop by Lev’s Pawn Shop to take a look around or take a peek at John’s tiny car collection sitting on the basement windowsill, but for now, avoidance is helping me. It’s giving me respite from the intense emotional pain I feel from losing my son.
I keep telling myself it’s not forever. It’s for a season.
Today I received an email from Glen Rest asking if I would like them to send me information for John’s grave marker. They were reviewing their records and noticed I haven’t selected one yet.
I immediately thought, “How appropriate, today is Halloween” but instead thanked them for following up with me and explained that payment would come from the Victim Compensation Fund so I did need them to send me the information so I can submit the pricing for review.
Glen Rest has been so kind whenever I speak to them because they know how John died. I’m sure they’re that way with all their customers. Losing anyone is hard no matter how they pass away.
A few moments later, I heard a “ding” letting me know I’ve got mail.
I didn’t open the email. I know I need to gather that information together so I can submit the cost as part of my Victims Compensation Claim, but just thinking about choosing a marker for John’s grave is starting to make me cry.
It’s been three months without you, son, and my heart continues to break.
I’ve always loved the single frame that contains school pictures of a child which displays every picture from kindergarten all the way through the senior year. Each small picture from every grade forms a circle around the large 8×10 picture of the child as a Senior in the center of the frame.
I made sure to purchase every school picture of John through the years so I could hang a frame like that on my wall once he graduated High School.
For some reason, I never purchased that frame which allowed and to this day, I don’t know why.
I did, however, make a Facebook post after John’s murder that was titled “John through the Years”. This post contained each picture of him from Kindergarten through his Senior year.
My very sweet MJ friend, Jolanda Van Der Grift, surprised me by creating this beautiful video which I will treasure forever.
Today is my birthday but I don’t feel much like celebrating, so instead, I’ve been sitting here in quiet contemplation. I’m thinking about my life, thinking about John. Thinking about losing him and thinking about the promises I made as I stood at his casket looking down on him for the last time.
I said, “I love you son. I promise to get justice for you. I promise to watch over and love Kammy with all the love I have to give. I promise to find purpose in this pain. I promise to forever say your name. Your death is not in vain.”
I kept thinking “I promise to find purpose in this pain and your death is not in vain” over and over again.
This pain is deep. What kind of purpose could I possibly get from this?
I grabbed my folder which contains everything in relation to John’s death and pulled out the packet from the Prosecutors office again, which contained support group information. I looked at the name of the first Support group,’ Parents of Murdered Children’, which I attended last month and felt immediate embarrassment. I shot out of that meeting like a ball out of a cannon, running away in tears.
That was my first and last meeting.
I sighed and thought “I wasn’t ready then so what makes me think I’m ready now?”
But the next group under Homicide jumped out at me;
Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children
Hmmmmm, dare I try this again?
There was a website listed so I decided to pay it a visit.
When the site fully loaded, I saw five beautiful women dressed in… fatigues!
I instantly got chills.
John always wore fatigues and that’s what we chose to bury him in.
Chills
I then read the mission for this organization
“Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children is a non-profit organization focused on Light and Love. Our community is made up of mothers who’ve lost a child to violence and our supporters. We use our voice to impact the community to end the violence and reimagine the safety of our city.”
I immediately began to cry. I don’t know why but this statement touched the core of my soul. All I could do was cry.
I was on that website for several hours reading every single word and looking at every single picture.
These women were dressed in bright orange shirts with angel wings on them and fatigue pants, hats, jackets and some had on combat boots.
I came to realize that MOMCC isn’t exactly a support group per se. While it’s definitely a group of mothers who support one another, this group is based on activism. Their mission is built and moved by the power of prayer. Their mission is to end the violence in our city and support the families affected by the violence. Their goal is to come together to support a collaborative action focused on crime prevention.
They are warriors fighting against violence on behalf of children that have died from violence.
If you’re just beginning in your grief journey, they will connect you to support groups that specialize in grief and when you’re ready for battle, come join them!
I’m still in the early stage of my grief but I’m driven to eventually turn my pain into purpose. I made a promise to John, and I will fulfill it.
This could be the organization for me.
So, instead of jumping in feet first and attending their events, I have decided to stick my toes in the water by joining their private Facebook group, take it slow, connect with them and see how it goes.
If it’s right for me, John will let me know.
Mothers Of Murdered Columbus Children Public Facebook Page
