February 25, 2025

Have you ever had a dream where you wake up, try to write it down but you’re so sleepy, you fall back asleep while in the process and pray your memory will last? Hours later when you’re fully awake, you look at the notepad, or in my case Dream Journal, lying on your nightstand. You see you did your best to write what you could remember before drifting back to sleep. Then you try to decipher the chicken scratch to figure out the message you’re supposed to remember, if there is one.

Not every dream has a message. Some dreams are visits from our loved ones from the other side because they just want to spend a little time with us.

Well, John decided to visit me again in my dreams last night, or should I say, this morning. I happily welcomed him in. This time, it wasn’t just a wave. It was conversation, laughing and he even gave me a hug!

Here’s what I wrote about my dream:

We were in an apartment I owned. It was me, my sister-mom, John (as an adult) and Jesus. We were just hanging out. I remember John was laughing and joking and having a good time.

I looked at Cindy and said “Wait a minute, this can’t be right because John’s here”

Cindy said, “It’s 1995. John hasn’t died yet.”

I couldn’t believe that because I thought it was current since John was an adult, so I went to the apartment next door. There were a lot of people in the room I entered and many calendars hanging all over the wall. I was trying to find the year and thought it said 2 /20 /25? John was laughing and joking with me, and I don’t think he had died. I thought maybe he faked his death, and I hugged him. He gave me a tight hug back,

That part of the dream ended with the hug.

But, there’s two parts in this dream.

Next, I was standing in line at a store. A teacher came up to me and said she wanted to talk to me about John, so I met with her. She said she had been in touch with John and that he actually survived. He had been on life support, and they said he was dead, but he wasn’t. He ended up surviving, so he reached out to her, and they were going to have a conversation about him going to school.

I was shocked because he didn’t let us know he was alive but instead reached out to this teacher I didn’t know. Then someone else was there with us in the meeting and said I should take the time I spent with John and invest in other areas of doing good.

After reading my notes I definitely know the message John was giving me. I had to think about 2/20/25 and just took a look at my last blog entry titled:

Date February 20, 2025
Title: Whaling to Whirling

Message: Your mourning will one day turn to joy.

Dream Interpretation;

This dream was two-fold; it was a visit with messages

1. Clearly John isn’t alive, although my heart wishes he was, so I’m not sure about the ‘alive’ angle. But it was a wonderful visit full of laughter, conversation and hugs
2. John’s telling me I’m on the right path and to keep looking to do good in his memory.
3. John also wants me to truly know my mourning won’t last forever. I will have joy again one day.

*Be open to receiving messages from your loved ones on the other side*

Another thought occurred to me. John’s birthday is right around the corner. Since he’s a leap year baby, his actual birthday only happens once every four years. When it’s not leap year, I always preferred to celebrate it March 1st because my thinking has always been, how can you celebrate a birth before it happens?

John on the other hand, always said leap year babies should celebrate on February 28th since it’s the month they were born, and he wasn’t born in March. He has a point, and it was his birthday, so we celebrated the way he wanted to, but most of the time it was celebrated on a totally different day anyway since there was usually some kind of party involved.

This year Justice has planned a 29^th birthday party for John at the roller skating rink on March 1^st, to celebrate his life. It’s going to be a hard day for me.

Maybe John wanted to see me before his birthday because he knows it’s going to be a rough day for me. Maybe he wanted to deliver comforting messages to make me feel better.

I don’t really know for sure, but without a doubt his messages have been received!

I’m so happy he came to see me.

February 20, 2025

My devotion today is not only a message for me but for others who are going through this tunnel of darkness called grief.

I hope this encourages someone reading this today.

“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.”

~Psalm 30:11 NLT

Grief and heartache can sometimes feel like an endless tunnel with little to tell how long or how much more you will have to endure. If this is you right now, find courage in the psalm above- of one who has found the joy and light at the end of the tunnel. It does happen, and it will happen for you.

Your mourning will one day turn to joy.

A note on ‘Whirling’
Whirling is a Sufi Dance where one spins in circles as part of a mediative ritual to achieve a closer connection to God. It is a dance of joy. During the dance, one hand is usually raised towards the sky to receive divine grace, while the other hand is turned downwards to give that grace to the world. 

This dance has attracted people from all over the world because it’s known that this dance can bring people to that state of ecstasy, that state of pure stillness, of movement outside and stillness inside.

In stillness you find peace which is desperately needed in times of trauma, especially when you’re grieving the loss of your child.

February 13, 2025

Grief2Hope Tribute Night

Tonight was tribute night for the sixth session of Grief2Hope. Tribute night is where we pay tribute to our loved ones by sharing pictures, memories and stories with the group so everyone can get to know them.

As always, it was very emotional for me.

I debated with myself ever since Hope made the announcement last week because losing John still hurts so much. It doesn’t help that I hate speaking in front of people. While this is an online group session, the camera is still on, and people are still looking at me.

I hate public speaking, but as soon as she made the announcement last week, I knew the exact picture of John I wanted to share and a perfect little project he did in the first grade which not only allows people to get to know him but also ties into Valentines Day because it’s heart shaped.

It’s also my favorite childhood keepsakes of his.

But, as usual, my mind went back and forth.

Not only was I very nervous, but also very emotional.

I didn’t want to break down while talking about my son who was murdered only six months ago.

It hurts so deep.

As Hope was speaking about honoring our loved ones who’ve passed away, I was still debating; should I do it or not.

She made it very clear it wasn’t mandatory. You only had to share if you felt comfortable doing so.

Well, I was very uncomfortable but there’s now something inside of me that feels I have to do things for John I would have never done before.

I promised him his death would not be in vain.

I promised him I would forever speak his name.

Forever speaking his name is a way of keeping his legacy alive and “speak” is the key word. Not speak in my mind but speak from my mouth for others to hear.

So, as I sat and watched and listened to a few others in the group share pictures and stories of their loved ones, I too raised my hand to speak John’s name.

I got through it with tears, but I did it. I shared my son with the group so they could know the wonderful man that he was.

When I finished, Hope thanked me for allowing them to get to know my son and said she actually got chills when I was speaking.

She also said she knows John is proud of me.

I hope he is, because this is another step I’ve taken to turn my pain into purpose, and I will forever speak his name.

 John Leon Wilks

Grief2Hope Quote for the week – “The Love of a memory shared provides others with Hope.”

February 8, 2025  11:00 AM

Today’s the day!

It’s my first Sister Circle with ‘Mothers Of Murdered Columbus Children’ (MOMCC). It’s a Valentine’s Day Edition and to be honest, I’m nervously anticipating the meeting. Hopefully I can get through it without crying uncontrollably.

I’m a shy, quiet, and reserved person by nature so attending this meeting and using my voice along with other mothers to impact the community is definitely stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m doing my best to fulfill the promise I made to John as I stood before his casket, looked at him and promised to make this world a better place in his honor while keeping his name and legacy alive. Something that he can look down on and be proud of.

This is the first step…

8:00 PM

Wow! I was overcome by so many emotions while attending my first MOMCC Sister Circle!

 It was a very emotional experience for me and felt so good to be around mothers who truly understand my pain.

The room was filled with so much love, light and kindness. The support from everyone felt so good. I cried a lot and received a lot of hugs in return.

There was also laughter because this children from the MOMCC Youth Division were included in this Sister Circle. We all know how much joy children bring to our hearts. Levi, who is the grandson of MOMCC Co-founder Malissa Thomas-St.Clair, was my partner for the day and he kept a smile on my face the majority of the time which is something I really needed.

Right before the closing prayer, music began playing and many of those in attendance took part, in what I’m told, is a staple of the gatherings; group line dancing which definitely lifted my spirits as well.

I’m looking forward to this journey with my Sister Soldiers and fulfilling the promise I made to my son.

As soon as I got home, I immediately sent a message to Hope Reger, founder of the Grief2Hope weekly series I’ve been attending online to let her know, I found my “arm’s length tribe” and was welcomed in with open arms.

This MOMCC event was also featured on the news along with the pictures of our lost angels with John’s picture front and center and clips of me crying (of course, as you can see in the video below)

Today was a good day.

I haven’t had many, if any, of those since July 28,2024

February 4, 2025

I have decided to include posts from Mothers of Murdered Columbus Children who are still seeking justice for the murder of their child. Mothers whose child has been murdered but the offender hasn’t been caught or arrested.

This has to be agonizing for them.

So many offenders are out there running free after having taken the life of someone leaving the family in ruins.

These families deserve justice!

The following post is from fellow Sister Soldier, Brenda Johnson.

Brenda’s son, James, was murdered Tuesday October 20 2020 so every Tuesday, Brenda posts about the murder in hopes it will come across someone’s Facebook feed who has knowledge and will contact the authorities.

If anyone reading my blog has informatioon about the murder of James Edward Johnson”BOOBOO” please contact the authorites.

If you know something, say something!

Yes it’s Tuesday!! 4+ years of Tuesday post!!

JAMES EDWARD JOHNSON “BOOBOO”

MURDERED AND UNSOLVED

TUESDAY OCT.20.2020

SUNOCO GAS STATION

2281 SULLIVANT AVE

DROVE HIMSELF TO UDF ON SULLIVANT AVE AND HAGUE AVE RUSHED TO GRANT HOSPITAL WHERE IS WAS PRONOUNCED DECEASED

HE IS OUR ONLY SON, A FATHER OF 6, A BROTHER, A UNCLE ETC.

I will continue to fight for my Angel and other UNSOLVED HOMICIDES! I don’t have time for hate or racism or prejudice!!!

This World has enough of this sick epidemic of hatred and judgment.

If you want to put your heart into something make it about Love and help others, speak positive, stop hating anyone who doesn’t look like you, believe like you, live like you, or think like you.

Do community work, get to know who you think you hate I bet you don’t hate them once you open your heart to get to know them. We all struggle with something we should be more open to understanding than to just toss others away like trash.

We should put our efforts into getting murderers off of our streets and stop spreading the hate for those who are trying the best they can to do right.

Hate has never fixed anything!

February 1, 2025

My Devotion for today

Choose Joy

“A cheerful heart puts a smile on your face, but a broken heart leads to depression.”

Proverbs 15:13

My mind understands these words but my heart is still in so much pain.

I know God understands joy and sadness more than we could ever comprehend. I also know God is patient with me as I continue to navigate the most difficult grief journey I’ve ever had to travel.

I’m hurting but I know I must look to the joy of the Lord and bravely continue to move forward in turning my pain into purpose.

I promise to honor my son and do all the good I can in his name. That’s what he would want me to do.

Miller the Killer will not win.

January 31, 2025

Looking back on January, I have to say, I’m proud of myself. I joined the online grief group Grief2Hope, teamed up with an ally in ‘What Would Marcus Do’ and have formed bonds with other mothers in MOMCC.

Of course, there were days when the tears just didn’t stop as well. I was sad, mad and still frustrated that this blog even had to be created. I’ll continue to cry. I’ll continue to feel despair but I’m trying my best not to stay there. When I get too down and too hard on myself, I hear my sister-mom saying, “Give yourself grace”.

“Give yourself Grace.”

What I’ve experienced is life altering. I know it will take time to get my life back on track. But I will do it. I’ll fall down and I’ll get back up. I’ll cry and I’ll wipe my eyes. I have to. I’m no longer living just for myself but also in memory of my son.

When I’m in the depths of despair, I’ve always turned to the one person who’s able to lift me out. The one who has always been a light in my darkness; Michael Jackson. Michael’s music soothes my soul and provides healing. It always has and it always will.

So many of Michael’s songs touch my soul in ways I cannot explain; it’s a sacred connection. He’s most famously known for the powerful song “Man In the Mirror.” This song tells the listener; in order to make a change in the world, you must first take an honest look at yourself. Change begins with you.

I also love another song by Michael called “Cry” which speaks about change from a different perspective. In “Cry”, the lyrics urge people to unite to make the world a better place:

People laugh when they’re feeling sad
Someone is takin’ a life, hold on
Respect to believe in your dreams
Tell me, where were you
When your children cried last night?

You can change the world (I can’t do it by myself)
You can touch the sky (Gonna take somebody’s help)
You’re the chosen one (I’m gonna need some kind of sign)
If we all cry at the same time tonight

Change the world

This is what I want to do. Change the world. Change the world by teaming up with MOMCC and other organizations to stop the violence in my city. I don’t want another mother to ever suffer the pain from losing their child to violence. Change not only takes place individually but collectively and I want to be part of it.

John’s death will not be in vain.

January 28, 2025

Today is the six-month anniversary of John’s murder. I’m still gutted. I saw this poem online and it says everything I’m feeling right now.

I miss you son.

Six Months

Six months of silence, a hollowed-out space,

Where your laughter once echoed, now just an empty trace.

Each day a reminder, a weight on my heart,

The ache of your absence, a never-ending part.

I see your reflection in the sunlight’s soft gleam,

Hear your voice in the whisper of a summer stream.

But the touch is a phantom, the smile just a dream,

Six months without you, son, a life that’s not what it seems.

The world keeps turning, yet time stands still,

A constant reminder of the void you fill.

Memories dance, both bittersweet and bright,

Guiding me through the darkness, holding on with all my might.

I’ll carry your spirit, your love in my soul,

Until we meet again, when stories unfold.

Though six months have passed, my love will never fade,

For you, my dear son, are forever in my heart, never swayed.

#JusticeForJohn

January 25, 2025

Every day at the conclusion of my morning devotion, I draw a card from my Angel deck to receive a special message.

Today’s message touched my heart in a special way and is the reminder I needed because, the last few days have been very difficult.

*Be open to receiving messages from your loved ones on the other side*

Oneness

Someone you dearly miss is forever present in your heart.

Remember dearest one,

That even though there has been a physical parting,

Spiritually those we love, never leave us.

Creation is eternal,

Nothing is ever truly missing,

For all is interconnected

And ultimately one.

January 20,2025

MOMCC is the recipient of the 2025 Martin Luther King Jr Community Service Award.

This is one of the reasons why I was drawn to MOMCC. I wanted to find a place where I could not only experience a shared bond with mothers just like me, but also DO something positive in John’s memory so his death is not in vain.

I found my tribe.

Congratulations MOMCC!